"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain"

I don't even know where to start...so much has happened over the past 5 months.  Zack and I decided to go our own ways; our paths in life were heading in opposite directions.  I also finished most of the goals I set for 2011-2012; the trip to Banff has been put on hold as I chose to have a party at the cabin this summer to replace attending convocation.  

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

I spent a week on the beach to celebrate the Christmas holidays with my family.  It was beautiful, and the weather was 90+ degrees every day.  We went snorkeling, deep sea fishing, saw schools of dolphins, and even jet skiid with whales.

 

I then packed my bags again and headed to Australia to visit Allison.  By far, best trip yet!  It was a jam packed vacation, backpacking the coast from Airlie Beach to Cairns.  We snorkelled, scuba dived, spent two nights on a yacht on the Whitsundays, hiked in the rainforest, jumped 14000 ft over the Great Barrier Reef, white water rafted, and even got inked.  Two weeks just wasn't long enough...

 

On top of all of the travelling, I also had my second 1 year check up.  Tlhis year was definately better than my last 1 year.  Everything looked good...and I am now 1 year cancer free!  I still have my ups and downs, but the ups far outweigh the downs.  I still struggle with my purpose in life, but right now I'm just happy to be living.  I've even started a new bucket list, and am open for suggestions (no timeline on this one)...

Bucket List:

• Shark cage with Summer
• Bunjee jump
• Travel to Thailand
• Trip to Banff

I just need to remember my favourite quote...that life is full of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems.  And when I need a little extra motivation, I can just look down to remind myself to believe.  Believe in life, in love, in laughter, in opportunity...just believe :).

"Success is falling nine times and getting up ten"

Last Christmas Zack bought me ice skates...I never had the chance to get out last winter so we decided to go to free skate at the arena today so he could teach me how. I learnt back when I was young...at least 20 years ago. It's not like riding a bike; I forgot how. Lucky for me, I only fell once and I made sure it was a good one. I think I got he hang of skating forward; however, the corners, stops, and skating backwards all need a little work.

"The reward of a thing well done is having done it"

I finally finshed my degree...6 years in the making!  It feels amazing to be finished.  Convocation is not until June, but regardless I have earned my degree.  And to top it off, my sixth month appointment was uneventful.  Spending my Christmas holidays at home with my family and friends and not in the hospital or between appointments is unbelievable.

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

"It's not about how fast you get there, rather the satisfaction of knowing you did it"

On my list of goals for the year I included running a half marathon. I have run three before, so it's not like this is something new; however, I wanted to push myself and see what I could accomplish. I completed the Miles with the Giant 2011 Half Marathon. This run wasn't about beating my previous times which were 2:27, 2:24, and 2:21 respectively, it was about finishing. And that's what I did, with a time of 2:37. Over the past two years, there were many days where getting out of bed was difficult and the thought of walking without pain seemed incomprehensible. I know my energy level isn't back at 100%, but I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. I was lucky...I am still here; I did it for those who couldn't.

 
Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree (taking my last class now) and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

“The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss"

...Or rather strap yourself to someone else and scream like hell!  At least that is what Summer and I did.  One goal accomplished and it was amazing.  Summer and I jumped from 9000 ft with the crew from Adventure Skydiving.  Highly recommended.  I was super excited until the door of the plane opened, I had a moment of "omg...shit...why the hell did I want to do this?"  A moment was all it was because before I knew it I was free falling screaming "OH MY GOD!"  The free fall wall exhilerating, once the shute opened it was calming and the view amazing, and the landing was incredibly soft, even though we were still coming down quite fast.

 

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree (taking my last class now) and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere"

It's been another three months...which means...another doctor visit!  Nervous???  Anxious???  Of course!  Everytime an appointment comes up I get nervous. 

On the way to my appointment, I made a pit stop to visit two amazing people.  During my stay in Winnipeg, volunteer drivers would pick me up and drive me to my treatments and then drive me home again.  Because of where I was staying, I was one of the furthest pickups, and usually had the same driver.  In traffic, my trip would take 30 minutes-an hour each way...so 28 days worth of treatments...round trip, you can really get to know someone.  5 days before my appointment I came home to a message on my answering machine from Bill.  He said he was at his summer home and was thinking about me.  It was perfect timing as his summer home was on the way to Winnipeg (I only made a few scenic route detours....yes I get lost very easily).  I met Bill's wife, and we all visited for a few hours before I continued on to the city.  I amaze myself each time I go back...I get a tiny bit better at city driving.  No horns or close calls this time, lol.

My doctor appointment went good.  I have been having a few issues which had me worried, but after two exams, there was no visible sign of cancer!!!  I will be going back in a couple weeks for another PET scan just to be sure.

P.S.  I have booked skydiving with Summer for August 20th...my first goal to be crossed of the list...So excited!

"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"

On May 4th I went back to the city for a follow up PET scan.  My scan was scheduled in the morning, and I had to wait until the afternoon the following day to get my results.  Those 30 hours seemed to last forever...but it was worth it!  Cancer free...all three spots gone!  Now it's back to setting and acheiving goals... and living life!

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree (taking my last class now) and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing”

I can't believe that it has already been 2 months since my last treatment.  I have been feeling really good and am anxious to get my life back!  I just recently booked my PET scan for May...and then the fear hit me.  I am terrified for this appointment.  The fear of the unknown along with the waiting game is difficult to mentally process.  You try to stay busy and keep your mind clear of all the negative thoughts, but it seems inevitable to be scared.  Along with being scared comes the emotionsand I have been really emotional...mostly sad and scared of dying.  Again...it's the unknown.  My step-mom e-mailed me a link to a you-tube video which of course brought me to tears...ok maybe to sobbing, but it was beautiful and inspirational too.  For that reason I wanted to share the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfcKvevod3k

"Commit to be fit"

I decided that I should start getting some excercise...start out small and work myself back into the routine.  As the dietician had told me, all of the weight that I had lost was my muscle mass not fat.  And believe me I felt it.  I felt like a fat skinny girl.  Sure I looked smaller...but I looked a lot jigglier too...and jigglier in all the wrong places!  After about 4 days of doing a few minutes (5 minutes) on the eliptical and some (maybe 20) crunches on the ball, my best friend had a great idea.  Her idea...let's do Insanity together.  What was my response...why not!  I mean in reality, when have I ever really taken things slow...I'd rather just jump right in.  Let's just say the fit test alone kicked my butt.  It has been three weeks since we started and I can definately see some results...even with taking some "extra" and "extra long" breaks during the exercise.  I mean watching the video should count for something too...right?!?!

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page"

I meant to post sooner, but...(I really don't have an excuse except pure laziness). 

The trip that Zack and I went on was amazing!  It was everything I needed and more.  We had great company and beautiful weather.  Teri and Jon's wedding was beautiful and they had perfect weather.  If I could leave tomorrow, I would be on a plane back to the sand.  I tried to take it easy...something I have a hard time doing.  I spent a majority of the day lounging by the pool or on the beach, and was in bed by 10:30 each night. 

One of the excursions that I really wanted to do was ziplining, so Zack and I signed ourselves up.  The ziplining was amazing.  We took a tour bus an hour through the small towns and up the mountain.  We lucked out as our resort was the last to be picked up and the first to be dropped off :).  The trip on the mountain was exciting and the roads were so bumpy and steep.  As for the ziplining, there was 11 different platforms and 8 ziplines.  At times you could get up to 50km/hour.  There was a little bit of hiking at some points which I wasn't anticipating...but I made it!  I will definately be doing it again.

 

We also tried out surfing!  We attended a half day at El Macao Surf Camp with Robyn and Tyson.  We were all given dryland training and once we got onto the water we each had our own instructor working with us.  Let's just say it is not as easy as it look...well at least not for me!  But we all managed to get up...some more than others, the other being me, haha.  However, I ended up over doing it.  Over doing it + waves + accidentally drinking whole lot of salt water = sick.  At one point I held on to my surf board (dry heaving) and drifted down the beach just hoping someone would come save me, lol.  After the surfing experience I spent 24 hours in bed :(.  Was it worth it???  At least I can say I surfed...not well, but it is good enough for me.



I am definately looking forward to my next vacation!



“If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies”

Has cancer changed me?  I think that any stressful situation will somehow change your life.  I have the same life goals, but my priorities have changed.  The things that I thought were important aren’t so important after all.  One of my dreams is that I will get married and have a family…the outcome of that dream is still the same as it was prior to cancer, but the road to getting there has changed.  Since the road has changed, so has my behaviour and actions travelling that road.  The road that I have chosen is adoption, I think about it a lot, and even though the end of the road is years away, the actions I take along the way can affect the outcome.  Financial security, a career, and a solid relationship are all factors that a family or single mother look for when giving their child up for adoption.  Then having someone scrutinize your home and your personal relationships to determine whether or not you would make a suitable parent is also very stressful.  I am sure it’s not as nerve-wracking as I imagine…however, I don’t want to create any limitations, and the choices I make reflect that.  So has cancer changed me?...Sure it has.  I know look for the great opportunities in life that have been disguised as unsolvable problems and strive to achieve them.

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing”

One week after my last treatment, I was driving and noticed my vision was off.  Initially I thought that my windshield was just dirty, so as I adjusted my position to look through a different part of the windshield, the vision problems followed.  So then I closed one eye… the on-coming car disappeared.  It’s a good thing most people drive with two eyes open!  I called my optometrist who got me in right away, and somehow I ended up with a retinal hematoma.  I hadn’t been coughing, been sick, or done anything strenuous, so I have no idea why it happened.  Sometimes it can occur from chemotherapy if blood platelets are low, but considering my last chemo treatment was 4 weeks prior and I had had my blood tested after that treatment, it was unlikely that it was related.  I was referred to an ophthalmologist that same week, and he felt that the blood should dissipate on its own, with my vision improving as that happens.  I have also been scheduled for an angiogram just to ensure that everything is normal.  As of right now, moving objects will still disappear at certain distances, and I cannot focus on details of an item or object such as text because everything is blurry…again just in the one eye though.  I have no time to worry about it though…the warm sun, blue sky, and sandy beaches of the Dominican Republic are calling my name.  I’ve been looking forward to this trip…and I deserve it!

Week 8 - "So much to do, so little done"

Day 1:  HDR Brachytherapy
Yes, the treatment was still awkward, but it was my last day of treatment!!!  Woot woot!  Now onto feeling better and living my life again...I have a lot more to accomplish.

Week 7 - "The end is near..."

Day 1:  Radiation

Day 2:  Radiation
Last day of external radiation.  Feels good to know that I only have two treatments left.

Day 3:  Day off...a much needed break!

Day 4:  HDR Brachytherapy
Since the doctor was happy with the results of the external radiation, he prescribed 2 boosts of internal radiation to finish things off.  The treatements are quicker than the external which is good because they are awkward.  For the girls... instead of picturing the stirrups on the bed, imagine boots.  Once your feet and lower legs are in the boots they get tightened with straps...I guess they really don't want you to move.  The doctor then inserts something like a tampon that has a long applicator which is fed by a tube that connects to the radiation machine...yes awkward.  The radiation is then turned on and travels down the tube to the area of need.  Thank goodness I only have to do this twice!

"5% Sweetheart...95% Menopausal"

28 years old and menopausal...not exactly where I imagined myself.  Hot flashes, forgetfulness, and grouchyness (to be polite) is not that fun.  I found some great menopause jokes to help put things in perspective.  So the next time I freak out, roll down the window of the vehicle in -30 degree C weather, or am just plain irrational it's not my fault...it's the menopause! 
"Get YOUR attitude in check, because I can't help mine"

Is it called menopause, because every time a woman who's menopausal hears a man speak, she needs to pause or she'll clobber him?

Which is scarier, a puppy or a rational woman in menopause?

Answer:  A puppy, because a rational woman in menopause doesn't really exist.

Trusting a menopausal woman to control her emotions is like trusting a tornado to mow your lawn.

Safety Tip:  You're safer teasing a grizzly bear than telling a woman in menopause she's moody.

The most effective way to discuss a difference of opinion with a woman in menopause is to keep your mouth shut.

I know there are more...I just can't seem to remember them!?!?!?! 

Week 6 - "Live - Laugh - Love"

I had a great visit with Zack and it was really great to see him.  I really like to come home for the weekends because there is nothing better then sleeping in your own bed, but it was nice to not have to travel the 8+ hours.  I feel like the travel takes a lot out of me...even if I am just the passenger. 

Day 1:  Radiation
My mom and grandma flew in on the Sunday so I spent most of the time between appointments at the hotel with them.  I was sure not much of a host as I was pretty tired and was suffering a lot of stomach pains.  But all in all it was nice to see them and spend some time with them, as we don't see each other that often.

Day 2:  Radiation, Blood work & Dr. Appointment
So today was the day I had my internal appointment...*drum roll*...GOOD NEWS!!!  The doctor could feel some tissue thickening, but the bulk of the tumor was not present and also not visible.  He seemed very pleased with the treatments.  At the end of my external radiation treatments I will receive 2 internal "boosts" of radiation, known as HDR (High-Rate Dose) Brachytherapy just to make sure it gets it all.  Today was a good day!

Day 3:  Radiation

Day 4:  Radiation & Dietician Appointment
I never though I would get put on a diet to increase my protein and calorie intake but I did.  I have been having trouble eating partly because nothing really seems appetizing, and also because food has been irritating my stomach causing pain.  Don't get me wrong...I have been eating, just not enough.  The dietician said I have lost about 10 lbs...I think it's more like 6...either way I look about the same.

Day 5:  Radiation

Week 5 - "It's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left"

I can't believe it is week 5 already.  So far I have lost about 4-5 lbs...my appetite during the week consists of cereal, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and popsicles.  It's all I want.  I try to stay away from anything hot because of the hot flashes...they are so not fun.

Day 1:  Blood work & Radiation
I was right...my blood work was a little low this week, so a blood transfusion was scheduled for Wednesday.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy, Radiation & Dr. Appointment
Today was my last chemotherapy appointment!  Yay for the last week of chemo induced nausea!!!  I received even more good news when I met with the nurse and doctor.  I had some concerns over an issue that presented itself.  A little to graphic for the blog...even for me.  I started explaining this issue with the nurse, when she looked up and said "that's awesome, it means the radiation is working!".  The doctor said the same thing.  Next week I am meeting with the gyno-oncologist to have a physical to determine the effectiveness of the radiation and determine how many internal boosts of radiation I will receive once I have completed the remaining 12 radiation treatments.

Day 3:  Radiation & Blood Transfusion
Again I slept a majority of my Wednesday...hopefully the new blood will give me some more energy for the rest of the week as Zack is flying in for the weekend thanks to the generosity of my employer, and my mom and grandma are coming in for a visit on Sunday.

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation

Assignment 1 - Fly Hunting

One of my teachers from high school sent me an assignment for the days when I am having trouble smiling.  Of course he knew I would complete it because who am I kidding, I was and still am a keener :).  The directions were simple:
1.  Kill a few flies
2.  Put them in the sun to dry for an hour or so
3.  Once they’re dry, pick up a pencil and paper & let your imagination flow

Maybe not the most hygienic, but don't worry, I washed my hands and used sanitizer.  Finding a fly was the hardest part because it is winter.  I remembered a while back kicking a dead fly under the couch.  The chances were good that it was still there.  I was right.  Let's just say it was well dried out.  I have never claimed to be an artist, and with a very fragile fly (it broke in half and it's wings were already gone) I drew what was on my mind...zip lining!

Week 4 - "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens”

Each week I feel a tiny bit worse then the week before.  But I am at the half way point now!!!  I have been so tired, but I don't want to sleep because I am afriad I might miss something, even though I know sleep will probably help me feel better.

Day 1:  Blood work
Blood work was good again this week...I'm thinking next week might be a transfusion week though.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy, Radiation & Dr. Appointment
I met with the doctor today and was given some good news.  Not anything regarding my prognosis or treatment...but still good news to me.  Back in October, I had booked a trip to the Domincan Republic, and I thought for sure with all of this that I would have to cancel or rather postpone the trip.  To my surprise...the doctor said to go!  It definately has given me something to look forward to...sunny beaches, great friends, and some much needed r&r.  My immune system should be ok by the time we go and even though I will still have the side effects of the radiation, they can be managed by pills and napping under a tree on the beach.

Summer and I had a really good philosophical talk on life and life experiences.  It helps that we both have a social service background and try to analyse the situation to really understand it.  It's nice to be able to talk with someone who gets you and you get them.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole concept of reflecting on your experiences and talking them through with someone who eventually has you come up with your own idea of how to move on (self-motivation, and encouraging the individual to take control over their own decisions, etc., etc.)  But let's face it, sometimes all you need is a little advice in the moment, and knowledge of what someone else would do if they were in the same situation.  So thank you Summer!

Day 3:  Radiation
I bit the bullet today...slept for approximately 20 hours!  It was worth it.

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”

It's a strange feeling being on the receiving end of an enormous support system.  If it was anyone else in my position, I would be doing everything I could to help support them.  I am not sure if it's my stubborness or pride that makes it hard, or if I am just afraid of accepting the reality of the situation.  I can't explain it, but it is difficult for me to accept the enormous amount of generosity and support that the people around me have displayed.  With that being said, I do whole heartedly appreciate everything!  There's a saying out there, something along the lines of every person we meet has made an impact on your life.  Even though I totally butchered that saying...the idea behind it is true.  I know that there are so many people out there who have had a positive impact on my life and they don't even know it.  I'm not saying that I have made an impact on someone's life, but I have received e-mails and letters from people who remembered me for one reason or another, and those are the things that make me smile.  Instead of waiting for illness or death, we should tell people more often the things that we remember about them...what they did that made an impact...what made you remember them..and bring a smile to their face! 

Week 3 - “Without struggle, perseverance would not exist”

Day 1:  Blood work & Radiation
Blood counts are good...no transfusion this week!  I have been feeling a bit more tired this week.  I don't feel nauseous, but I just don't feel right.  When I am really tired I feel hungover, but overall I feel blah.  I would compare it to the feeling you have the day before a really bad cold or the flu, when you know you just don't feel 100%.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy & Radiation
My insides hate me today...at 2 am I was laying on the bathroom floor fighting the urge to pass out all because of a pain in the ass...literally!?!?  It is pretty embarassing passing out while sitting on the toilet, believe me, it has happened before and I knew better this time.  The doctor believes it is the tumor pushing on the rectum causing muscle spasms.  In this case, instead of a charlie horse, it should be called a charlie donkey (seems a better fit).  I cannot explain how painful it is, but is is enough that I knew if I didn't lay down on the cold bathroom floor, the tunnel vision and body sweats would win.  Thankfully the spasms don't occur that often and only last for a few minutes.

Day 3:  Radiation
A rough day...I felt so nauseous.  I may have even shed a few tears because I felt so sick. 

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation
Felt much better today and was excited to come home for a date night with my hunny :).  Date night turned into dinner and a movie cuddled under the duvet...and in bed sleeping by 10:30.  It was perfect.

The side effects of the radiation have started to emerge.  My stomach has been upset for the past few days, and I need to remind myself to eat only small amounts at one time or I'll be sick.  Zack has given me the nickname stinky as he chased me down with the febreeze bottle.  I'm glad he has a great sense of humour and we can laugh about it...it also helps that I have a pretty valid excuse.

"Though you may be under a dark tree, always look for the light shining through the branches"

Someone asked me this week if I was depressed.  I am not depressed...I think the depression comes later.  Of course I have asked myself the infamous "why?" question...the question that can't and probably never will be answered.  I also think it's normal to have a few days where you feel sorry for yourself, but even those days I haven't had this time around.  Maybe I am too focused on what needs to be done, maybe I used all of my feel sorry for myself days the first time, or maybe it's just easier the second time around.  Either way, I am happy where I am right now...it could always be worse.

Week 2 - "A fight is not won by one punch or kick. Either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard”

I would have rather had the bodyguard, but I guess they were all taken...

So another short week...yay for long weekends!  On Monday I came into the city with my best friend Robyn and her husband Tyson.  They have already done so much for me, and they just keep on giving.  I must have done something right to get such great friends.  Once in the city they brought me to pick up some groceries and then we met up with Summer and Jeff for dinner.  Summer and I spent the rest of the night on Netflix watching movies...and then something devastating happened...I found and immediately pulled out my very first GREY HAIR!!?!?!?!?!!?!!

Day 1:  Blood work, Chemotherapy & Radiation
A long day...6 hours at the clinic.  I had the blood work first, I guess my counts are a tad bit low, so I have been scheduled for a blood transfusion on Thursday just to make sure it doesn't get any lower before my next chemotherapy next week.

Day 2:  Radiation

Day 3:  Radiation & Blood Transfusion
My dad came into the city early and sat with me while I received the blood transfusion.  I felt good after the blood...kind of like a burst of energy. 

I was so happy to come home again for the weekend.  I spent New Year's eve with great friends.  We ate crab legs and steak and played games.  The food was so rich that I ended up getting sick..but it was definately worth it.  I made it to midnight, said goodbye to 2010 and sealed it with a kiss.

Week 1 – “From small beginnings come great things”

Day 1:  Radiation
Prior to my initial treatment, I had signed myself up with the volunteer drivers.  It is such a great service especially for those who are unfamiliar with the city.  They call you the night before and let you know what time they will be picking you up, and then after your treatment, they drive you home.  My first driver was Bill.  I was his only pick up at that time so we talked.  Such a small world, he said he knew someone from my hometown…that person ended up being my cousin.  As for the radiation appointment itself, it was really quick… maybe 15 minutes.  It is similar to a CT scan that rotates around your body.  There was no pain at all to the treatment itself, and if I do start to see any side effects, it will usually be in a few weeks. 

Day 2:  Chemotherapy & Radiation
I wasn't sure what to expect at the chemo appt.  I got there and got set up in a room with 6 other beds.  The nurse was excellent and let me know exactly what she was doing and how long everything would take.  Summer came with me today and sat with me through the chemo and waited for me when I went to have the radiation.  It was nice to have the company.  I felt good after the treatment...just super tired by the end of the day and had a pretty bad headache.  I took my meds and crashed early.

Day 3:  Radiation
The day started off not so hot.  I woke up around 2 am with the sweats and the spins.  I didn't get sick, but I sure wanted to.  I took some more meds and the spins subsided.  The rest of the day was designated as sleep only, minus the time I was at my appointment.

Day 4:  Radiation
I had my radiation appointment in the morning.  My dad came into the city, picked me up, and then we both went to pick up my brother at the airport...it had been a while since I had seen him :).  We stopped for some food, and started the trip back home.  I had a headache but that was it; I think I was just too excited to get home, but by the time we made it home I was wiped.

Christmas weekend was just what I needed.  Even though I was tired, I got to see a lot of my friends, spend some QT time with the fam, ate two amazing turkey dinners, and got spoiled...it was fantastic.  On Sunday we headed up to the cabin to go snowmobiling.  For those who know my dad's luck...one sled blew up, and the other split the gas line all within minutes of arriving at the cabin...If there wasn't bad luck there wouldn't be any luck at all.  Even with that it was still a great time.  We took the sleds through some trails and across the lake, roasted sausages on the fire, drank hot chocolate, and watched some of the World Junior game; I felt like I was still living.  It definately helped that I feeling near 100% if not 100% that day, and motivated me to ensure that I give myself the opportunity to get out and feel like I am living every week.

“I see my path, but I don't know where it leads. Not knowing where I'm going is what inspires me”

After my diagnosis, I was immediately off of work.  Fist, you need some time to get all the paperwork in order…HR, ROE, unemployment, insurance, etc, etc.  And second, I speak for myself here, but my brain felt like mush.  I had too much information and too many emotions to process.  Because of my location, and the fact that I required radiation treatments, I needed to pack up my stuff and move to the city.  My old roommate Summer, and her boyfriend offered me their spare room, and made me feel like I was at home.  The weekend before my treatments began, I decided to come to the city to get myself situated and to have a change in scenery as I was starting to get anxious.  I got a ride in with Summer’s mom.  She works over the Christmas holidays and was coming down to spend some time with Summer.  We spent a day shopping… great stress reliever.  Christmas dinner was amazing!  Great food, great company, and too many drinks!  I wanted to practice my puking technique…Yes I still had it!  Due to the self inflicted illness, Sunday was a movie day and before I knew it, it was my first day of treatments.

“Thank you”

I am extremely thankful for the amazing support and the generosity of love shared by my family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.  It is truly amazing how we have the ability to lift someone up when they are down, make someone laugh when they need to, and help put someone back on track if they stumble.  I cannot say thank you enough, and I hope you all know how much you mean to me, and how appreciative I am.
              
         “Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget”
                                                                                                    - G. Randolph

When I was first diagnosed, my grandma sent me a link to Young Adult Cancer Canada (YACC) -(http://www.youngadultcancer.ca/ ).  It is an amazing site whose mission is to build a community of young adults diagnosed with cancer and provide them with information, support, skills, and opportunity. Through the help of the YACC I met a great friend who had recently been through a similar situation as me.  We sent many e-mails and even had the opportunity to meet.  It was very helpful for me to be able to talk to someone who understood what I was experiencing and who shared similar feelings…my mentor.   Recently I had the opportunity to pay it forward when I was contacted by someone who had viewed my profile.  I have made two great new friends who I share a strong bond with.  Even though we live miles away, we will always have a story to share.

There is another friend I met throughout this experience…one of my best friends…my boyfriend.  I became depressed after becoming diagnosed, and felt that I was damaged…who would want to be with me?  I know the idea is to stay positive and look for the “great opportunities brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems…”, but I wasn’t there yet.  I felt like I lost a part of my identity, and part of my dreams.  But, I was wrong…and I don’t admit that often.  I met Zack.  He told me I was more important than any of those other things, and that I was perfect.  Even though my friends and family told me over and over again that I was wrong, and they hurt knowing how I felt, I hadn’t started to believe it myself yet.  But now, I am believing.

“Life is a daring adventure or nothing”

The story until now:
For all of us girls, from puberty on, we visit the gyno every year for our annual exam.  It is not the most pleasant or comfortable dr. visit, but it’s something that needs to be done.  At 26 years old, I had had 12 annual exams and no concerns.  A few months after my last annual, something started to happen;  I thought I was having bladder incontinence.  Definitely embarrassing, but I managed to find my dignity and visit my family doctor.  He started the process and referred me to a specialist.  About 3 months later, I visited the specialist.  She made me feel like I was more a pain in her ass, then my problems were to me.  I think someone needs to remind her that she’s a doctor and that any person will be a pain in the ass when they know something is wrong.  Believe me, I have a very elaborate list of words I wish I had said to her!  To make it worse, she misdiagnosed me.  In her own words, “It is not a serious problem, but extremely frustrating for these people”, and told me to come back in 3 months.  At my follow up visit, I told her everything had worsened and that I had lost weight.  She actually rolled her eyes at me and told me there was nothing she could do.  One of her colleagues had had a cancellation, so she sent me down the hall to see him.  He started his exam and a few words slipped out if his mouth.  He did a biopsy and I left knowing it was more than likely a tumor.  Two weeks later I got the confirming phone call, it was a cervical adenocarcinoma, and I was referred to the Cancer Care Clinic.

Before I go any further, I do want to state that I do know the seriousness of the situation both then and now.  I try to make light of the situation, and find the good and humour in it all.  I don’t want to dwell on the prognosis and be so concerned with the seriousness of the situation.  That is not me, and I would rather be happy and laughing…or trying to make someone else laugh, then be sad and crying.  I hope as you do read the blog you at least crack or smile, or better yet laugh out loud.  If it can inspire and motivate others then that is even better.  

                “A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on
                one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.”
                                                                                                      - Hugh Sidey

It was at Cancer Care where some of the embarrassing events took place.  Sure they weren’t funny then, but as I look back on them…they were pretty funny.  At my first appointment I met my gyno-oncologist; an amazing doctor and surgeon.  She told me she needed another biopsy and that I might have a small amount of bleeding.  Well let’s just say the slight bleeding resulted in wearing an adult diaper, my first experience with a catheter, a luxurious 3 night stay at the hospital, an allergic reaction to morphine, and 4 blood transfusions.  Good thing my dad and I had only planned a day trip!  First off…the adult diaper was huge, I had noticed I was bleeding a little more than a small amount.  I tried to hide it from my dad, but needed something until I could see the doctor again.  The nurse handed me the diaper, and I took it to the bathroom.  This is when I started to cry…I was totally mortified.  When I opened up the diaper it was huge and awkward.  I swear it came up to my armpits!  I put back on my jacket and waddled back to my room.  Second is the catheter …of course they are not comfortable, but either is accidently disconnecting two of the tubes and finding yourself lying in a bed of urine.  That one was good… I had to call the nurse and tell her I peed the bed.  When the nurse came in, I had gotten myself out of the bed and was standing in a puddle of pee.  Standing in pee or laying in pee, not too sure which one is more humiliating.   Brought back childhood memories of a nickname my dad made me…Peebody!  (On a road trip when I was 7 or 8 I tried to pee on the side of the road and managed to get more on myself then the ground).  As for the morphine reaction, I warned the nurse as she told me she was giving it to me.  I am pretty sure in red letters on my chart it states my allergies, but really what do I know?  Within a few seconds I was out and woke up to an oxygen mask.  Thankfully after a few days the bleeding stopped and I was sent home, only to return in a few weeks for surgery.  My surgery consisted of a radical hysterectomy and lymphadenectomy.   Although the surgery left me feeling like I had been beat up and run over, things looked good.  I did have one positive lymph node, but because the positive lymph node was the node closest to the tumor and everything else was clean, the doctors believed that the surgery was a success.  I was released from the hospital on Christmas Day ’09.  I had follow up visits every three months following the surgery.  At 6 months I received a CT scan which looked good.  At 12 months, I received a PET scan…The PET scan revealed a localized tumor and 2 positive lymph nodes.  Radiation and chemotherapy was my next adventure…