"5% Sweetheart...95% Menopausal"

28 years old and menopausal...not exactly where I imagined myself.  Hot flashes, forgetfulness, and grouchyness (to be polite) is not that fun.  I found some great menopause jokes to help put things in perspective.  So the next time I freak out, roll down the window of the vehicle in -30 degree C weather, or am just plain irrational it's not my fault...it's the menopause! 
"Get YOUR attitude in check, because I can't help mine"

Is it called menopause, because every time a woman who's menopausal hears a man speak, she needs to pause or she'll clobber him?

Which is scarier, a puppy or a rational woman in menopause?

Answer:  A puppy, because a rational woman in menopause doesn't really exist.

Trusting a menopausal woman to control her emotions is like trusting a tornado to mow your lawn.

Safety Tip:  You're safer teasing a grizzly bear than telling a woman in menopause she's moody.

The most effective way to discuss a difference of opinion with a woman in menopause is to keep your mouth shut.

I know there are more...I just can't seem to remember them!?!?!?! 

Week 6 - "Live - Laugh - Love"

I had a great visit with Zack and it was really great to see him.  I really like to come home for the weekends because there is nothing better then sleeping in your own bed, but it was nice to not have to travel the 8+ hours.  I feel like the travel takes a lot out of me...even if I am just the passenger. 

Day 1:  Radiation
My mom and grandma flew in on the Sunday so I spent most of the time between appointments at the hotel with them.  I was sure not much of a host as I was pretty tired and was suffering a lot of stomach pains.  But all in all it was nice to see them and spend some time with them, as we don't see each other that often.

Day 2:  Radiation, Blood work & Dr. Appointment
So today was the day I had my internal appointment...*drum roll*...GOOD NEWS!!!  The doctor could feel some tissue thickening, but the bulk of the tumor was not present and also not visible.  He seemed very pleased with the treatments.  At the end of my external radiation treatments I will receive 2 internal "boosts" of radiation, known as HDR (High-Rate Dose) Brachytherapy just to make sure it gets it all.  Today was a good day!

Day 3:  Radiation

Day 4:  Radiation & Dietician Appointment
I never though I would get put on a diet to increase my protein and calorie intake but I did.  I have been having trouble eating partly because nothing really seems appetizing, and also because food has been irritating my stomach causing pain.  Don't get me wrong...I have been eating, just not enough.  The dietician said I have lost about 10 lbs...I think it's more like 6...either way I look about the same.

Day 5:  Radiation

Week 5 - "It's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left"

I can't believe it is week 5 already.  So far I have lost about 4-5 lbs...my appetite during the week consists of cereal, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and popsicles.  It's all I want.  I try to stay away from anything hot because of the hot flashes...they are so not fun.

Day 1:  Blood work & Radiation
I was right...my blood work was a little low this week, so a blood transfusion was scheduled for Wednesday.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy, Radiation & Dr. Appointment
Today was my last chemotherapy appointment!  Yay for the last week of chemo induced nausea!!!  I received even more good news when I met with the nurse and doctor.  I had some concerns over an issue that presented itself.  A little to graphic for the blog...even for me.  I started explaining this issue with the nurse, when she looked up and said "that's awesome, it means the radiation is working!".  The doctor said the same thing.  Next week I am meeting with the gyno-oncologist to have a physical to determine the effectiveness of the radiation and determine how many internal boosts of radiation I will receive once I have completed the remaining 12 radiation treatments.

Day 3:  Radiation & Blood Transfusion
Again I slept a majority of my Wednesday...hopefully the new blood will give me some more energy for the rest of the week as Zack is flying in for the weekend thanks to the generosity of my employer, and my mom and grandma are coming in for a visit on Sunday.

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation

Assignment 1 - Fly Hunting

One of my teachers from high school sent me an assignment for the days when I am having trouble smiling.  Of course he knew I would complete it because who am I kidding, I was and still am a keener :).  The directions were simple:
1.  Kill a few flies
2.  Put them in the sun to dry for an hour or so
3.  Once they’re dry, pick up a pencil and paper & let your imagination flow

Maybe not the most hygienic, but don't worry, I washed my hands and used sanitizer.  Finding a fly was the hardest part because it is winter.  I remembered a while back kicking a dead fly under the couch.  The chances were good that it was still there.  I was right.  Let's just say it was well dried out.  I have never claimed to be an artist, and with a very fragile fly (it broke in half and it's wings were already gone) I drew what was on my mind...zip lining!

Week 4 - "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens”

Each week I feel a tiny bit worse then the week before.  But I am at the half way point now!!!  I have been so tired, but I don't want to sleep because I am afriad I might miss something, even though I know sleep will probably help me feel better.

Day 1:  Blood work
Blood work was good again this week...I'm thinking next week might be a transfusion week though.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy, Radiation & Dr. Appointment
I met with the doctor today and was given some good news.  Not anything regarding my prognosis or treatment...but still good news to me.  Back in October, I had booked a trip to the Domincan Republic, and I thought for sure with all of this that I would have to cancel or rather postpone the trip.  To my surprise...the doctor said to go!  It definately has given me something to look forward to...sunny beaches, great friends, and some much needed r&r.  My immune system should be ok by the time we go and even though I will still have the side effects of the radiation, they can be managed by pills and napping under a tree on the beach.

Summer and I had a really good philosophical talk on life and life experiences.  It helps that we both have a social service background and try to analyse the situation to really understand it.  It's nice to be able to talk with someone who gets you and you get them.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole concept of reflecting on your experiences and talking them through with someone who eventually has you come up with your own idea of how to move on (self-motivation, and encouraging the individual to take control over their own decisions, etc., etc.)  But let's face it, sometimes all you need is a little advice in the moment, and knowledge of what someone else would do if they were in the same situation.  So thank you Summer!

Day 3:  Radiation
I bit the bullet today...slept for approximately 20 hours!  It was worth it.

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”

It's a strange feeling being on the receiving end of an enormous support system.  If it was anyone else in my position, I would be doing everything I could to help support them.  I am not sure if it's my stubborness or pride that makes it hard, or if I am just afraid of accepting the reality of the situation.  I can't explain it, but it is difficult for me to accept the enormous amount of generosity and support that the people around me have displayed.  With that being said, I do whole heartedly appreciate everything!  There's a saying out there, something along the lines of every person we meet has made an impact on your life.  Even though I totally butchered that saying...the idea behind it is true.  I know that there are so many people out there who have had a positive impact on my life and they don't even know it.  I'm not saying that I have made an impact on someone's life, but I have received e-mails and letters from people who remembered me for one reason or another, and those are the things that make me smile.  Instead of waiting for illness or death, we should tell people more often the things that we remember about them...what they did that made an impact...what made you remember them..and bring a smile to their face! 

Week 3 - “Without struggle, perseverance would not exist”

Day 1:  Blood work & Radiation
Blood counts are good...no transfusion this week!  I have been feeling a bit more tired this week.  I don't feel nauseous, but I just don't feel right.  When I am really tired I feel hungover, but overall I feel blah.  I would compare it to the feeling you have the day before a really bad cold or the flu, when you know you just don't feel 100%.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy & Radiation
My insides hate me today...at 2 am I was laying on the bathroom floor fighting the urge to pass out all because of a pain in the ass...literally!?!?  It is pretty embarassing passing out while sitting on the toilet, believe me, it has happened before and I knew better this time.  The doctor believes it is the tumor pushing on the rectum causing muscle spasms.  In this case, instead of a charlie horse, it should be called a charlie donkey (seems a better fit).  I cannot explain how painful it is, but is is enough that I knew if I didn't lay down on the cold bathroom floor, the tunnel vision and body sweats would win.  Thankfully the spasms don't occur that often and only last for a few minutes.

Day 3:  Radiation
A rough day...I felt so nauseous.  I may have even shed a few tears because I felt so sick. 

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation
Felt much better today and was excited to come home for a date night with my hunny :).  Date night turned into dinner and a movie cuddled under the duvet...and in bed sleeping by 10:30.  It was perfect.

The side effects of the radiation have started to emerge.  My stomach has been upset for the past few days, and I need to remind myself to eat only small amounts at one time or I'll be sick.  Zack has given me the nickname stinky as he chased me down with the febreeze bottle.  I'm glad he has a great sense of humour and we can laugh about it...it also helps that I have a pretty valid excuse.

"Though you may be under a dark tree, always look for the light shining through the branches"

Someone asked me this week if I was depressed.  I am not depressed...I think the depression comes later.  Of course I have asked myself the infamous "why?" question...the question that can't and probably never will be answered.  I also think it's normal to have a few days where you feel sorry for yourself, but even those days I haven't had this time around.  Maybe I am too focused on what needs to be done, maybe I used all of my feel sorry for myself days the first time, or maybe it's just easier the second time around.  Either way, I am happy where I am right now...it could always be worse.