"Success is falling nine times and getting up ten"

Last Christmas Zack bought me ice skates...I never had the chance to get out last winter so we decided to go to free skate at the arena today so he could teach me how. I learnt back when I was young...at least 20 years ago. It's not like riding a bike; I forgot how. Lucky for me, I only fell once and I made sure it was a good one. I think I got he hang of skating forward; however, the corners, stops, and skating backwards all need a little work.

"The reward of a thing well done is having done it"

I finally finshed my degree...6 years in the making!  It feels amazing to be finished.  Convocation is not until June, but regardless I have earned my degree.  And to top it off, my sixth month appointment was uneventful.  Spending my Christmas holidays at home with my family and friends and not in the hospital or between appointments is unbelievable.

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

"It's not about how fast you get there, rather the satisfaction of knowing you did it"

On my list of goals for the year I included running a half marathon. I have run three before, so it's not like this is something new; however, I wanted to push myself and see what I could accomplish. I completed the Miles with the Giant 2011 Half Marathon. This run wasn't about beating my previous times which were 2:27, 2:24, and 2:21 respectively, it was about finishing. And that's what I did, with a time of 2:37. Over the past two years, there were many days where getting out of bed was difficult and the thought of walking without pain seemed incomprehensible. I know my energy level isn't back at 100%, but I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. I was lucky...I am still here; I did it for those who couldn't.

 
Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree (taking my last class now) and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

“The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss"

...Or rather strap yourself to someone else and scream like hell!  At least that is what Summer and I did.  One goal accomplished and it was amazing.  Summer and I jumped from 9000 ft with the crew from Adventure Skydiving.  Highly recommended.  I was super excited until the door of the plane opened, I had a moment of "omg...shit...why the hell did I want to do this?"  A moment was all it was because before I knew it I was free falling screaming "OH MY GOD!"  The free fall wall exhilerating, once the shute opened it was calming and the view amazing, and the landing was incredibly soft, even though we were still coming down quite fast.

 

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree (taking my last class now) and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere"

It's been another three months...which means...another doctor visit!  Nervous???  Anxious???  Of course!  Everytime an appointment comes up I get nervous. 

On the way to my appointment, I made a pit stop to visit two amazing people.  During my stay in Winnipeg, volunteer drivers would pick me up and drive me to my treatments and then drive me home again.  Because of where I was staying, I was one of the furthest pickups, and usually had the same driver.  In traffic, my trip would take 30 minutes-an hour each way...so 28 days worth of treatments...round trip, you can really get to know someone.  5 days before my appointment I came home to a message on my answering machine from Bill.  He said he was at his summer home and was thinking about me.  It was perfect timing as his summer home was on the way to Winnipeg (I only made a few scenic route detours....yes I get lost very easily).  I met Bill's wife, and we all visited for a few hours before I continued on to the city.  I amaze myself each time I go back...I get a tiny bit better at city driving.  No horns or close calls this time, lol.

My doctor appointment went good.  I have been having a few issues which had me worried, but after two exams, there was no visible sign of cancer!!!  I will be going back in a couple weeks for another PET scan just to be sure.

P.S.  I have booked skydiving with Summer for August 20th...my first goal to be crossed of the list...So excited!

"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"

On May 4th I went back to the city for a follow up PET scan.  My scan was scheduled in the morning, and I had to wait until the afternoon the following day to get my results.  Those 30 hours seemed to last forever...but it was worth it!  Cancer free...all three spots gone!  Now it's back to setting and acheiving goals... and living life!

Goals for 2011-2012:

• Sky dive
• 1/2 Marathon
• Finish my degree (taking my last class now) and attend convocation
• Spend a week on the beach
• Trip to Banff
• Visit Allison in Australia

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing”

I can't believe that it has already been 2 months since my last treatment.  I have been feeling really good and am anxious to get my life back!  I just recently booked my PET scan for May...and then the fear hit me.  I am terrified for this appointment.  The fear of the unknown along with the waiting game is difficult to mentally process.  You try to stay busy and keep your mind clear of all the negative thoughts, but it seems inevitable to be scared.  Along with being scared comes the emotionsand I have been really emotional...mostly sad and scared of dying.  Again...it's the unknown.  My step-mom e-mailed me a link to a you-tube video which of course brought me to tears...ok maybe to sobbing, but it was beautiful and inspirational too.  For that reason I wanted to share the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfcKvevod3k

"Commit to be fit"

I decided that I should start getting some excercise...start out small and work myself back into the routine.  As the dietician had told me, all of the weight that I had lost was my muscle mass not fat.  And believe me I felt it.  I felt like a fat skinny girl.  Sure I looked smaller...but I looked a lot jigglier too...and jigglier in all the wrong places!  After about 4 days of doing a few minutes (5 minutes) on the eliptical and some (maybe 20) crunches on the ball, my best friend had a great idea.  Her idea...let's do Insanity together.  What was my response...why not!  I mean in reality, when have I ever really taken things slow...I'd rather just jump right in.  Let's just say the fit test alone kicked my butt.  It has been three weeks since we started and I can definately see some results...even with taking some "extra" and "extra long" breaks during the exercise.  I mean watching the video should count for something too...right?!?!

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page"

I meant to post sooner, but...(I really don't have an excuse except pure laziness). 

The trip that Zack and I went on was amazing!  It was everything I needed and more.  We had great company and beautiful weather.  Teri and Jon's wedding was beautiful and they had perfect weather.  If I could leave tomorrow, I would be on a plane back to the sand.  I tried to take it easy...something I have a hard time doing.  I spent a majority of the day lounging by the pool or on the beach, and was in bed by 10:30 each night. 

One of the excursions that I really wanted to do was ziplining, so Zack and I signed ourselves up.  The ziplining was amazing.  We took a tour bus an hour through the small towns and up the mountain.  We lucked out as our resort was the last to be picked up and the first to be dropped off :).  The trip on the mountain was exciting and the roads were so bumpy and steep.  As for the ziplining, there was 11 different platforms and 8 ziplines.  At times you could get up to 50km/hour.  There was a little bit of hiking at some points which I wasn't anticipating...but I made it!  I will definately be doing it again.

 

We also tried out surfing!  We attended a half day at El Macao Surf Camp with Robyn and Tyson.  We were all given dryland training and once we got onto the water we each had our own instructor working with us.  Let's just say it is not as easy as it look...well at least not for me!  But we all managed to get up...some more than others, the other being me, haha.  However, I ended up over doing it.  Over doing it + waves + accidentally drinking whole lot of salt water = sick.  At one point I held on to my surf board (dry heaving) and drifted down the beach just hoping someone would come save me, lol.  After the surfing experience I spent 24 hours in bed :(.  Was it worth it???  At least I can say I surfed...not well, but it is good enough for me.



I am definately looking forward to my next vacation!



“If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies”

Has cancer changed me?  I think that any stressful situation will somehow change your life.  I have the same life goals, but my priorities have changed.  The things that I thought were important aren’t so important after all.  One of my dreams is that I will get married and have a family…the outcome of that dream is still the same as it was prior to cancer, but the road to getting there has changed.  Since the road has changed, so has my behaviour and actions travelling that road.  The road that I have chosen is adoption, I think about it a lot, and even though the end of the road is years away, the actions I take along the way can affect the outcome.  Financial security, a career, and a solid relationship are all factors that a family or single mother look for when giving their child up for adoption.  Then having someone scrutinize your home and your personal relationships to determine whether or not you would make a suitable parent is also very stressful.  I am sure it’s not as nerve-wracking as I imagine…however, I don’t want to create any limitations, and the choices I make reflect that.  So has cancer changed me?...Sure it has.  I know look for the great opportunities in life that have been disguised as unsolvable problems and strive to achieve them.

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing”

One week after my last treatment, I was driving and noticed my vision was off.  Initially I thought that my windshield was just dirty, so as I adjusted my position to look through a different part of the windshield, the vision problems followed.  So then I closed one eye… the on-coming car disappeared.  It’s a good thing most people drive with two eyes open!  I called my optometrist who got me in right away, and somehow I ended up with a retinal hematoma.  I hadn’t been coughing, been sick, or done anything strenuous, so I have no idea why it happened.  Sometimes it can occur from chemotherapy if blood platelets are low, but considering my last chemo treatment was 4 weeks prior and I had had my blood tested after that treatment, it was unlikely that it was related.  I was referred to an ophthalmologist that same week, and he felt that the blood should dissipate on its own, with my vision improving as that happens.  I have also been scheduled for an angiogram just to ensure that everything is normal.  As of right now, moving objects will still disappear at certain distances, and I cannot focus on details of an item or object such as text because everything is blurry…again just in the one eye though.  I have no time to worry about it though…the warm sun, blue sky, and sandy beaches of the Dominican Republic are calling my name.  I’ve been looking forward to this trip…and I deserve it!

Week 8 - "So much to do, so little done"

Day 1:  HDR Brachytherapy
Yes, the treatment was still awkward, but it was my last day of treatment!!!  Woot woot!  Now onto feeling better and living my life again...I have a lot more to accomplish.

Week 7 - "The end is near..."

Day 1:  Radiation

Day 2:  Radiation
Last day of external radiation.  Feels good to know that I only have two treatments left.

Day 3:  Day off...a much needed break!

Day 4:  HDR Brachytherapy
Since the doctor was happy with the results of the external radiation, he prescribed 2 boosts of internal radiation to finish things off.  The treatements are quicker than the external which is good because they are awkward.  For the girls... instead of picturing the stirrups on the bed, imagine boots.  Once your feet and lower legs are in the boots they get tightened with straps...I guess they really don't want you to move.  The doctor then inserts something like a tampon that has a long applicator which is fed by a tube that connects to the radiation machine...yes awkward.  The radiation is then turned on and travels down the tube to the area of need.  Thank goodness I only have to do this twice!

"5% Sweetheart...95% Menopausal"

28 years old and menopausal...not exactly where I imagined myself.  Hot flashes, forgetfulness, and grouchyness (to be polite) is not that fun.  I found some great menopause jokes to help put things in perspective.  So the next time I freak out, roll down the window of the vehicle in -30 degree C weather, or am just plain irrational it's not my fault...it's the menopause! 
"Get YOUR attitude in check, because I can't help mine"

Is it called menopause, because every time a woman who's menopausal hears a man speak, she needs to pause or she'll clobber him?

Which is scarier, a puppy or a rational woman in menopause?

Answer:  A puppy, because a rational woman in menopause doesn't really exist.

Trusting a menopausal woman to control her emotions is like trusting a tornado to mow your lawn.

Safety Tip:  You're safer teasing a grizzly bear than telling a woman in menopause she's moody.

The most effective way to discuss a difference of opinion with a woman in menopause is to keep your mouth shut.

I know there are more...I just can't seem to remember them!?!?!?! 

Week 6 - "Live - Laugh - Love"

I had a great visit with Zack and it was really great to see him.  I really like to come home for the weekends because there is nothing better then sleeping in your own bed, but it was nice to not have to travel the 8+ hours.  I feel like the travel takes a lot out of me...even if I am just the passenger. 

Day 1:  Radiation
My mom and grandma flew in on the Sunday so I spent most of the time between appointments at the hotel with them.  I was sure not much of a host as I was pretty tired and was suffering a lot of stomach pains.  But all in all it was nice to see them and spend some time with them, as we don't see each other that often.

Day 2:  Radiation, Blood work & Dr. Appointment
So today was the day I had my internal appointment...*drum roll*...GOOD NEWS!!!  The doctor could feel some tissue thickening, but the bulk of the tumor was not present and also not visible.  He seemed very pleased with the treatments.  At the end of my external radiation treatments I will receive 2 internal "boosts" of radiation, known as HDR (High-Rate Dose) Brachytherapy just to make sure it gets it all.  Today was a good day!

Day 3:  Radiation

Day 4:  Radiation & Dietician Appointment
I never though I would get put on a diet to increase my protein and calorie intake but I did.  I have been having trouble eating partly because nothing really seems appetizing, and also because food has been irritating my stomach causing pain.  Don't get me wrong...I have been eating, just not enough.  The dietician said I have lost about 10 lbs...I think it's more like 6...either way I look about the same.

Day 5:  Radiation

Week 5 - "It's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left"

I can't believe it is week 5 already.  So far I have lost about 4-5 lbs...my appetite during the week consists of cereal, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and popsicles.  It's all I want.  I try to stay away from anything hot because of the hot flashes...they are so not fun.

Day 1:  Blood work & Radiation
I was right...my blood work was a little low this week, so a blood transfusion was scheduled for Wednesday.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy, Radiation & Dr. Appointment
Today was my last chemotherapy appointment!  Yay for the last week of chemo induced nausea!!!  I received even more good news when I met with the nurse and doctor.  I had some concerns over an issue that presented itself.  A little to graphic for the blog...even for me.  I started explaining this issue with the nurse, when she looked up and said "that's awesome, it means the radiation is working!".  The doctor said the same thing.  Next week I am meeting with the gyno-oncologist to have a physical to determine the effectiveness of the radiation and determine how many internal boosts of radiation I will receive once I have completed the remaining 12 radiation treatments.

Day 3:  Radiation & Blood Transfusion
Again I slept a majority of my Wednesday...hopefully the new blood will give me some more energy for the rest of the week as Zack is flying in for the weekend thanks to the generosity of my employer, and my mom and grandma are coming in for a visit on Sunday.

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation

Assignment 1 - Fly Hunting

One of my teachers from high school sent me an assignment for the days when I am having trouble smiling.  Of course he knew I would complete it because who am I kidding, I was and still am a keener :).  The directions were simple:
1.  Kill a few flies
2.  Put them in the sun to dry for an hour or so
3.  Once they’re dry, pick up a pencil and paper & let your imagination flow

Maybe not the most hygienic, but don't worry, I washed my hands and used sanitizer.  Finding a fly was the hardest part because it is winter.  I remembered a while back kicking a dead fly under the couch.  The chances were good that it was still there.  I was right.  Let's just say it was well dried out.  I have never claimed to be an artist, and with a very fragile fly (it broke in half and it's wings were already gone) I drew what was on my mind...zip lining!

Week 4 - "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens”

Each week I feel a tiny bit worse then the week before.  But I am at the half way point now!!!  I have been so tired, but I don't want to sleep because I am afriad I might miss something, even though I know sleep will probably help me feel better.

Day 1:  Blood work
Blood work was good again this week...I'm thinking next week might be a transfusion week though.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy, Radiation & Dr. Appointment
I met with the doctor today and was given some good news.  Not anything regarding my prognosis or treatment...but still good news to me.  Back in October, I had booked a trip to the Domincan Republic, and I thought for sure with all of this that I would have to cancel or rather postpone the trip.  To my surprise...the doctor said to go!  It definately has given me something to look forward to...sunny beaches, great friends, and some much needed r&r.  My immune system should be ok by the time we go and even though I will still have the side effects of the radiation, they can be managed by pills and napping under a tree on the beach.

Summer and I had a really good philosophical talk on life and life experiences.  It helps that we both have a social service background and try to analyse the situation to really understand it.  It's nice to be able to talk with someone who gets you and you get them.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole concept of reflecting on your experiences and talking them through with someone who eventually has you come up with your own idea of how to move on (self-motivation, and encouraging the individual to take control over their own decisions, etc., etc.)  But let's face it, sometimes all you need is a little advice in the moment, and knowledge of what someone else would do if they were in the same situation.  So thank you Summer!

Day 3:  Radiation
I bit the bullet today...slept for approximately 20 hours!  It was worth it.

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal”

It's a strange feeling being on the receiving end of an enormous support system.  If it was anyone else in my position, I would be doing everything I could to help support them.  I am not sure if it's my stubborness or pride that makes it hard, or if I am just afraid of accepting the reality of the situation.  I can't explain it, but it is difficult for me to accept the enormous amount of generosity and support that the people around me have displayed.  With that being said, I do whole heartedly appreciate everything!  There's a saying out there, something along the lines of every person we meet has made an impact on your life.  Even though I totally butchered that saying...the idea behind it is true.  I know that there are so many people out there who have had a positive impact on my life and they don't even know it.  I'm not saying that I have made an impact on someone's life, but I have received e-mails and letters from people who remembered me for one reason or another, and those are the things that make me smile.  Instead of waiting for illness or death, we should tell people more often the things that we remember about them...what they did that made an impact...what made you remember them..and bring a smile to their face! 

Week 3 - “Without struggle, perseverance would not exist”

Day 1:  Blood work & Radiation
Blood counts are good...no transfusion this week!  I have been feeling a bit more tired this week.  I don't feel nauseous, but I just don't feel right.  When I am really tired I feel hungover, but overall I feel blah.  I would compare it to the feeling you have the day before a really bad cold or the flu, when you know you just don't feel 100%.

Day 2:  Chemotherapy & Radiation
My insides hate me today...at 2 am I was laying on the bathroom floor fighting the urge to pass out all because of a pain in the ass...literally!?!?  It is pretty embarassing passing out while sitting on the toilet, believe me, it has happened before and I knew better this time.  The doctor believes it is the tumor pushing on the rectum causing muscle spasms.  In this case, instead of a charlie horse, it should be called a charlie donkey (seems a better fit).  I cannot explain how painful it is, but is is enough that I knew if I didn't lay down on the cold bathroom floor, the tunnel vision and body sweats would win.  Thankfully the spasms don't occur that often and only last for a few minutes.

Day 3:  Radiation
A rough day...I felt so nauseous.  I may have even shed a few tears because I felt so sick. 

Day 4:  Radiation

Day 5:  Radiation
Felt much better today and was excited to come home for a date night with my hunny :).  Date night turned into dinner and a movie cuddled under the duvet...and in bed sleeping by 10:30.  It was perfect.

The side effects of the radiation have started to emerge.  My stomach has been upset for the past few days, and I need to remind myself to eat only small amounts at one time or I'll be sick.  Zack has given me the nickname stinky as he chased me down with the febreeze bottle.  I'm glad he has a great sense of humour and we can laugh about it...it also helps that I have a pretty valid excuse.

"Though you may be under a dark tree, always look for the light shining through the branches"

Someone asked me this week if I was depressed.  I am not depressed...I think the depression comes later.  Of course I have asked myself the infamous "why?" question...the question that can't and probably never will be answered.  I also think it's normal to have a few days where you feel sorry for yourself, but even those days I haven't had this time around.  Maybe I am too focused on what needs to be done, maybe I used all of my feel sorry for myself days the first time, or maybe it's just easier the second time around.  Either way, I am happy where I am right now...it could always be worse.